God, Woody, Bobby, and Eddie

Yer gonna wanna put this groove on while you read

So there’s these two dear people in my life who died on the same day a year ago – one is my grandpa, Bob Perkins, and the other is my friend Eddie Linkhorne, and I wanted to write, uh, something about Eddie and Bobby, uh, sort of like what does Eddie Linkhorne and Bobby Perkins mean to you, in 25 words. And, uh, I couldn’t do it, I wrote out 5 pages, and, uh, I have it here, it’s, uh.. have it here by accident actually (heh) but I, I’d like to say this out loud. So, uh, if you could sorta roll along with this thing here, this is called Last Thoughts on Eddie Linkhorne and Bobby Perkins… which just happens to have the exact same words as Bob Dylan’s Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie.  Um -

When yer head gets twisted and yer mind grows numb

When you think you're too old, too young, too smart or too dumb

When yer laggin' behind an' losin' yer pace

In a slow-motion crawl of life's busy race

No matter what yer doing if you start givin' up

If the wine don't come to the top of yer cup

If the wind's got you sideways with one hand holdin' on

And the other starts slipping and the feeling is gone

And yer train engine fire needs a new spark to catch it

And the wood's easy findin' but yer lazy to fetch it

And yer sidewalk starts curlin' and the street gets too long

And you start walkin' backwards though you know it’s wrong

And lonesome comes up as down goes the day

And tomorrow's mornin' seems so far away

And you feel the reins from yer pony are slippin'

And yer rope is a-slidin' 'cause yer hands are a-drippin'

And yer sun-decked desert and evergreen valleys

Turn to broken down slums and trash-can alleys

And yer sky cries water and yer drain pipe's a-pourin'

And the lightnin's a-flashing and the thunder's a-crashin'

And the windows are rattlin' and breakin' and the roof tops a-shakin'

And yer whole world's a-slammin' and bangin'

And yer minutes of sun turn to hours of storm

And to yourself you sometimes say

"I never knew it was gonna be this way

Why didn't they tell me the day I was born"

And you start gettin' chills and yer jumping from sweat

And you're lookin' for somethin' you ain't quite found yet

And yer knee-deep in the dark water with yer hands in the air

And the whole world's a-watchin' with a window peek stare

And yer good gal leaves and she's long gone a-flying

And yer heart feels sick like fish when they're fryin'

And yer jackhammer falls from yer hand to yer feet

And you need it badly but it lays on the street

And yer bell's bangin' loudly but you can't hear its beat

And you think yer ears might a been hurt

Or yer eyes've turned filthy from the sight-blindin' dirt

And you figured you failed in yesterday’s rush

When you were faked out an' fooled white facing a four flush

And all the time you were holdin' three queens

And it's makin you mad, it's makin' you mean

Like in the middle of Life magazine

Bouncin' around a pinball machine

And there's something on yer mind you wanna be saying

That somebody someplace oughta be hearin'

But it's trapped on yer tongue and sealed in yer head

And it bothers you badly when you’re layin' in bed

And no matter how you try you just can't say it

And yer scared to yer soul you just might forget it

And yer eyes get swimmy from the tears in yer head

And yer pillows of feathers turn to blankets of lead

And the lion's mouth opens and yer staring at his teeth

And his jaws start closin’ with you underneath

And yer flat on your belly with yer hands tied behind

And you wish you'd never taken that last detour sign

And you say to yourself just what am I doin'

On this road I'm walkin', on this trail I'm turnin'

On this curve I'm hanging

On this pathway I'm strolling, in the space I'm taking

In this air I'm inhaling

Am I mixed up too much, am I mixed up too hard

Why am I walking, where am I running

What am I saying, what am I knowing

On this guitar I'm playing, on this banjo I'm frailin'

On this mandolin I'm strummin', in the song I'm singin'

In the tune I'm hummin', in the words I'm thinkin'

In the words that I'm writin'

In this ocean of hours I'm all the time drinkin'

Who am I helping, what am I breaking

What am I giving, what am I taking

But you try with your whole soul best

Never to think these thoughts and never to let

Them kind of thoughts gain ground

Or make yer heart pound

But then again you know why they're around

Just waiting for a chance to slip and drop down

"Cause sometimes you hear'em when the night times comes creeping

And you fear that they might catch you a-sleeping

And you jump from yer bed, from yer last chapter of dreamin'

And you can't remember for the best of yer thinking

If that was you in the dream that was screaming

And you know that it's something special you're needin'

And you know that there's no drug that'll do for the healin'

And no liquor in the land to stop yer brain from bleeding

And you need something special

Yeah, you need something special all right

You need a fast flyin' train on a tornado track

To shoot you someplace and shoot you back

You need a cyclone wind on a steam engine howler

That's been banging and booming and blowing forever

That knows yer troubles a hundred times over

You need a Greyhound bus that don't bar no race

That won't laugh at yer looks

Your voice or your face

And by any number of bets in the book

Will be rollin' long after the bubblegum craze

You need something to open up a new door

To show you something you seen before

But overlooked a hundred times or more

You need something to open your eyes

You need something to make it known

That it's you and no one else that owns

That spot that yer standing, that space that you're sitting

That the world ain't got you beat

That it ain't got you licked

It can't get you crazy no matter how many

Times you might get kicked

You need something special all right

You need something special to give you hope

But hope's just a word

That maybe you said or maybe you heard

On some windy corner 'round a wide-angled curve

But that's what you need man, and you need it bad

And yer trouble is you know it too good

"Cause you look an' you start getting the chills

"Cause you can't find it on a dollar bill

And it ain't on Macy's window sill

And it ain't on no rich kid's road map

And it ain't in no fat kid's fraternity house

And it ain't made in no Hollywood wheat germ

And it ain't on that dim lit stage

With that half-wit comedian on it

Ranting and raving and taking yer money

And you thinks it's funny

No you can't find it in no night club or no yacht club

And it ain't in the seats of a supper club

And sure as hell you're bound to tell

That no matter how hard you rub

You just ain't a-gonna find it on yer ticket stub

No, and it ain't in the rumors people're tellin' you

And it ain't in the pimple-lotion people are sellin' you

And it ain't in no cardboard-box house

Or down any movie star's blouse

And you can't find it on the golf course

And Uncle Remus can't tell you and neither can Santa Claus

And it ain't in the cream puff hair-do or cotton candy clothes

And it ain't in the dime store dummies or bubblegum goons

And it ain't in the marshmallow noises of the chocolate cake voices

That come knockin' and tappin' in Christmas wrappin'

Sayin' ain't I pretty and ain't I cute and look at my skin

Look at my skin shine, look at my skin glow

Look at my skin laugh, look at my skin cry

When you can't even sense if they got any insides

These people so pretty in their ribbons and bows

No you'll not now or no other day

Find it on the doorsteps made out-a paper mache

And inside it the people made of molasses

That every other day buy a new pair of sunglasses

And it ain't in the fifty-star generals and flipped-out phonies

Who'd turn yuh in for a tenth of a penny

Who breathe and burp and bend and crack

And before you can count from one to ten

Do it all over again but this time behind yer back

My friend

The ones that wheel and deal and whirl and twirl

And play games with each other in their sand-box world

And you can't find it either in the no-talent fools

That run around gallant

And make all rules for the ones that got talent

And it ain't in the ones that ain't got any talent but think they do

And think they're foolin' you

The ones who jump on the wagon

Just for a while 'cause they know it's in style

To get their kicks, get out of it quick

And make all kinds of money and chicks

And you yell to yourself and you throw down yer hat

Sayin', "Christ do I gotta be like that

Ain't there no one here that knows where I'm at

Ain't there no one here that knows how I feel

Good God Almighty

THAT STUFF AIN'T REAL"

No but that ain't yer game, it ain't even yer race

You can't hear yer name, you can't see yer face

You gotta look some other place

And where do you look for this hope that yer seekin'

Where do you look for this lamp that's a-burnin'

Where do you look for this oil well gushin'

Where do you look for this candle that's glowin'

Where do you look for this hope that you know is there

And out there somewhere

And your feet can only walk down two kinds of roads

Your eyes can only look through two kinds of windows

Your nose can only smell two kinds of hallways

You can touch and twist

And turn two kinds of doorknobs

You can either go to the church of your choice

Or you can go to Brooklyn State Hospital

You'll find God in the church of your choice

You'll find Woody Guthrie and Eddie Linkhorne and Bobby Perkins in Brooklyn State Hospital

And though it's only my opinion

I may be right or wrong

You'll find them both

In the Grand Canyon

At sundown

srce moje...tracing the journey.

my beloved is in the process of leaving the Balkans, where he has made his home for the past three years. where I made my home for one glorious, complicated year.  and so my heart is in the process of reminiscing, looking back and letting go of the comfort of having that intimate link to a place i came to love so much, even though it broke my heart sometimes.

thinking of when i first arrived in Sarajevo in the middle of August and was instantly in love with the [wordiness alert, this is from my journal:] "clear sweet sunny days backdropping the gorgeous colorful mountainous landscape and the beautiful multicultural milieu of people in the cafes and goods in the markets and church bells ringing and minarets lighting up at night and imams intoning calls to prayer and the river flowing on and on under many bridges through the middle of it all..."

and the day i made to the journey from Sarajevo to Belgrade, reassuring myself that "as i leave this beautiful scarred city, i know i will survive and maybe even learn to thrive in the one i will soon arrive in... i think i am already growing in my ability to recognize the cyrillic letters and sound things out correctly when i see it.  bouncing inside the bus, through tunnels, alongside rock faces, past pine forests and fern patches, we have now come down from the high hills to a more rolling landscape of fields and small towns. hello hay bales and humble houses and huts. the little trickle that started hugging the road's curves in a shallow ditch a while back has since gradually widened into a lively stream and then a broad channel in a gorge below us - and oh - now we have crossed over it on a bridge and i can no longer see it from my side of the bus, but i know it is still there, feeding this land, quenching the thirst of people and creatures, carving its cool, calm power ever deeper and wider, branching off into new waterways, to spread the gift, the youth, the life."

i didn't always feel very youthful or lively for my first few months there. despite some wonderful moments, overall i felt more like this:

i struggled under some shadows of uncertain expectations and rocky living situations and frequent colds and sickness and feeling like a failure a lot of the time.

sure, i smiled in the sunshiny joy of my language lessons, my daily work of caring for little children with special needs, my mini-adventures of walking and navigating public transportation around the city, and texts like this from my coworkers when i was too sick to go to work: "ok dont vory bi god love you"

but it wasn't until, oh, about November that i finally started feeling comfortable in my skin and surroundings again.  i realize this is fairly typical cross-cultural transition timing, but there were also a few real changes that made a big difference.  i moved to a new apartment and "woke up under the skylight, blue sky with wisps of clouds floating by, the sound of the streets being washed and the pigeons flapping about. i tiptoed to look out to the adjacent rooftops where they perch and greeted them this morning...i went to the pijaca/market and had friendly exchanges with the people from whom i bought: a chunk of pumpkin, a bunch of paradajz i luk (tomatoes and onions), some mandarin oranges, pola kila pečurka (half a kilo of mushrooms), i 250g brusnica (dried cranberries)...and trudged delightedly back up the hill...passing Everest Kafe, and the Crna Kornjača, and a Zdrava Hrana (health food) shop, and some creative graffiti...i LOVE MY NEIGHBORHOOD!"

i started having more opportunities to travel around the region...to hike to a waterfall and play in the fall leaves or the snow or the spring flowers in Kosovo/Kosova...to go to concerts in Novi Sad...to spend time with MCC partners and regional directors in Sarajevo, and go hiking in the hills there...

life really blossomed.  blooming and growing, like edelweiss, the hills are alive, with the sound of music... :)

and i had awesome Canadian neighbors who moved in to the apartment below mine, and who invited me to share in their weekly crepes and their city-exploring adventures and their Christmas and Easter celebrations just like another daughter/sister...(and who dressed up as this endearing totem pole for the kindergarten's multicultural dress-up day!)

and i had a gig with a choir, a gospel choir! the only gospel choir in Serbia! who were the warmest, loudest, lovingest :) spiritual community i could possibly have been welcomed into. we sang all over Beograd, and in a few other cities, too.  music. friendship. joy.

and i had, unexpectedly, a boy, who tenderly cared for me when i was sick...who encouraged me to be gentle with myself and see the beauty in my role with the children...who traveled with me all throughout that "land of raspberries and honey-bees, hills and haystacks, abandoned houses and bullet holes, churches and mosques" ...who held me and helped me poetry-slam a bob dylan ballad when my grandpa and another dear friend in the U.S. died on the same day in May...who asked me if he could ask me to marry him yet, and then saw me off on the plane back to the States in July without a definite answer...who said YES YES YES YES YES when I asked him over Skype a couple months later!  who put the perfect eco-friendly vine-shaped ring on my finger this past December...who returned to the Balkans in January and has persevered through these final months of his term there... and who is coming home to me SOON.  srce moje...now we'll journey together for the rest of our lives.  God.es.good.

recipe for hope

hope almost died that day.

how terribly out of character for hope :( this depressed me for a few weeks, until i took a different bus route and saw...
this! this! this!
and later brought my beloved to see the news :)
and a few weeks later, found more evidence!
and shared the love again :)

hope the creeper.

yes, a good reminder that we all may sometimes feel hopeless overwriting our hope.
yet we keep running into reflections of hope. hope, not just a word, but a Person.
do you see hope when you look in the mirror?
hope, still thriving behind bars. hope, continually under construction.
hope is still creeping under the nose of the most rotten destruction and collective trauma as the bombing this city experienced and the massive violence this country and its neighbors inflicted on each other. hope, still waiting for us to wake up to the violence within each one of us. hope, still standing.

hope shows up and shit gets real.

hope i pobeda za egipatsku revoluciju, victory for the Egyptian revolution!
hope i solidarnost sa grčkim radnicima i narodom egipta, solidarity with the Greek laborers and the people of Egypt!
hope in money? oh dear God no... that'll send us all down the drainpipes real fast...
hope for Srbija... hope winning out over nationalism... hope living even in the consumer center of this capital city...

hope in my hood.

i found hope in my own neighborhood! woohoo!

i was thrown off of my normal route home because of some water main that broke down, that stopped the trolleybuses from going the way i usually went to work and back. so, i haven't been able to see those particular bits of hope for a while now. they were getting to be familiar, comforting, soothing. and then they were suddenly taken away from me. i miss them.

but one day, after getting off the tram which makes me walk a different way to my apartment, i saw something that stopped me in my tracks and made me get out my camera to try to capture it. although, hope can't really be captured.

hope and love often live in the same places.
sometimes hope goes in a different direction than you expect.
hope.zone?hope likes to travel... hope can give you wings to fly...

may hope be in, over, and around your home.

hope hike.

sometimes all you get is a glimpse of hope as you ride by on the bus of life, and that can sustain you for a while.

but sometimes you just gotta get out from behind those glass and metal cages, and take a trek.

take a hope hike.

even if it's drizzling or pouring rain. hope is worth it.

sometimes to get a good shot at hope, you have to risk being splashed with the dirty rainwater of life.

sometimes when you can't find your own hope, you can try to follow in the footsteps of someone who has held hope inside them and somehow managed to shine it out into the world. if you seek out those bits of hope-light, you will find them.

i noticed on my hike that hope isn't usually found around the walls of fancy, rich, established businesses or banks. those places have already chosen their path, their goal, their reward. hope knows it's not welcome there.

i also noticed that hope doesn't usually share space with expressions of hate or territorialism, either. there are exceptions to this, though...hope is sneaky and defiant sometimes...

although, sometimes hope is so faded or so tiny that it's easy to miss.

and then sometimes hope stands on the street corner, in the busiest traffic circles of the biggest cities, and stares out, inviting anyone who will look and listen to soak up its encouragement...but too often just gets ignored.

hope can go even where it's not allowed, when someone dares to bring it there...

(photos taken on the route of trolleybuses 19/21/22/29 between škola vojislava ilića, crveni krst, trg slavija, terazije, and trg republike)

hope for the very first time.

hopes shows up in some of the most surprising places.

it's often when you're pressed against a wall that you finally find hope.
sometimes hope has wings and a halo and you can just see it so clearly.
sometimes hope is a little grittier and harder to make out.

hope doesn't always have the prettiest background...sometimes you can see it best when everything else is crumbling around it.

it's kind of funny how the same thing can spell hope for some people and mean nothing to others. (nada means 'hope' in Serbian, and 'nothing' in Spanish)

hope might be hiding just around the corner from you...

hope is everywhere...

(photos by Amy Wood, Peder Wiegner, and me)

earthquakes and everest

well, the drama princess piece of me wants to say something about how my time here so far has shaken me up like an earthquake, and presented me with challenges to climb like mount everest. which is true in some ways.

but of course there are more physically real earthquakes affecting a lot more people right now in China and New Zealand and Japan and everywhere else the resulting tsunamis have touched...bringing me flashbacks of December 2004, my senior year of high school in India...coastal villages submerged...homes washed away...fishing boats washed up, fishing nets ripped apart, unusable...families ripped apart, grieving, surviving...

actually even before these recent catastrophes i was just remembering how there have been a number of real earthquakes in this region over the past several months, including one in November that struck about 80 miles south of here, in the city of Kraljevo, at magnitude 5.4, killing two people and injuring between 50 and 100 others, and displacing some families whose homes were damaged. i remember at about 2 a.m. that morning, waking up because my feet were doing that thing where they involuntarily rise up from the bed a little and wiggle around...but then they kept doing it for a few seconds longer than my sleep-slugged muscles would normally twitch for...and then i heard about the earthquake when i checked the news that morning.

of course, this incident totally slipped most people's memory, including mine, pretty soon afterwards. but the families of those in Kraljevo who were killed, and those who were injured or displaced, are most certainly still dealing with the effects.

and this reminds me of the world's memory-loss about this whole region of southeast Europe, the former Yugoslavia, which was rocked by inter-ethnic war, mass killings, sieges, bombings, and all the fall-out of these traumatic experiences and political separations. not so long ago...certainly within living memory of anyone over the age of 10 here. several former government buildings in downtown Beograd still stand in their bombed-out state, and all over the region, sitting there like scars on the beautiful countryside, houses can be seen like the one below - whether it was a Bosnian Muslim home gutted by Serbs in some part of Bosnia or Serbia, or a Serb home stripped by Albanians in Kosovo/Kosova, or a Kosovo Albanian home there, or a Croatian home somewhere in Bosnia or Serbia or Croatia, or whichever way the violence went at a particular point in time in that particular town or village - much more complex than these few examples can convey.

but everyday life has since returned to a 'new normal' for most people here, and the biggest crises in the news since i've been here were the hooligan protesters' reaction to the gay pride parade in October (no worries, I was living across the river in Zemun at the time), and the milk shortage (which didn't affect me too much because i'm slightly lactose intolerant, so i don't drink straight milk), and the eerily Egyptian-echoing gathering of between 50,000 and 70,000 opposition demonstrators to call for early elections in February (and unfortunately I was in Sarajevo that weekend and missed the excitement!)

so those are some of the 'earthquakes' that have caused some tremors since i've been here, and i hope to stay more in tune with regional and world developments, and hopefully share them here a bit more often...

and now for the 'everest' part - this has been a great source of excitement for me in the past few months, as i have found...dare i say...my favorite cafe in the world...?!?!!! oh, don't worry, i still love you, Treehouse. but i have gone way past the infatuation stage, and dived into a seriously delightful relationship with the Everest Kafe-Knjižara (cafe-bookstore) just a block from my apartment! a joyously orange-accented place, always playing the most soothing, meditative music, and serving a delicious vegetarian menu including (if you come on the right day) DAL!!! and a fascinating selection of teas, and friendly guys behind the counter who recognize me and are happy to see me every time i come in...

pumpkin-ginger soup with their homemade spiced bread
so happy to share the loveliness of Everest with my lovely Amy
and with the freedom sexy birds...